"Tick-Tock. It is almost time.
Strange, how it is to be assigned for a new journey. I thought it would be easier to go. But being here and just watching around all the peace, all the harmony, the whole flow around me, and the council surrounding me with their unconditional love. How could I leave it? They told me I have to go but right now I just want to embrace all and take it with me. I would love to take all of them and bring it to every place I go. I hope I can do that. They said I can.
They also allowed me to choose my family. I have already visited them ... in their dreams. My future mum is ready, she is so tuned in love. She feels me. It is so easy to connect. My future Dad.. well, he is not ready. He is afraid of the task. He wants me to stay. Actually I want to stay as well but it is not on me. I mean he is afraid of the task, that it will pin him down by taking away his career and his dream. I would never do that. I love him. But I can not reach him. His fear is blocking me out. What if I wont be able to save their marriage? What if mum will be disappointed at me because of it? What if I can not show her the real message? What if I can not show her how wonderful her soul is? And what about Dad? Will he ever accept me if I break his dream? But I need him to stand by my side. I know I can not be demanding. I know who he is, even if he does not see himself as clear as I see him.
The task is assigned and I understand that all my biological needs will be satisfied but what about their support? Will I get them? Or should I do it without it? How could I live without that utmost love of the council I received here?
And if I wont get their support.. will I manage to complete my purpose? Will I get hurt a lot? Will I hurt others? Will I feel lost and forget my purpose? Will I be triggered to loose the sight? What If I forget all of this?
Tick-tock time is up... that strange black hole appeared on the horizon and I am afraid it came for me.
Do I really need to go? What if I stay just a bit longer here till Dad reach his career goal and just go after that? And what about the council, that loving family I have here? Will I ever meet them again? Or any of them? They say it depends on me, if I can recognize them.
I feel this chill, that cold breeze. I am afraid. Something is pushing towards that black hole. I am afraid, I will stuck inside.
Oh Gosh, I left alone... dark here... nobody... nobody... Anybody? Please, I need support!....
It is hurt. It is brutal. That pushing is hard. I feel my body is torn apart. Oh God, I will die. Please don't do that... I can't... I am dying....
Strong light... laud noises.... very cold... I wish to cry... It is just too much...
Wait... that is something soft... gentle.... that smell... I know it... the vibes... the love...the eyes... I see her... I know her... she is the one... Oh God, that love... that touch... I feel it... not just as a sense... but in my body... I have a body... I have blood....the same as hers... I love her ... I arrived...."
(a diary from a birth)
A3, color pencil on black paper, photo source: unknown.