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Couple of weeks ago I decided that finally it is time to face my own story and read the diary I wrote from the ten years period in the desert. I can say it is a very hard shadow-work with lots of surprises. For example how your own brain fools you to remember things or forgot things. Sometimes it happens for your own protection, sometimes your own projection changes the story. I got a friendly advice to be careful if you visit dark places, do it in small doses. I will always be grateful for that one. I had my first K.O. straight at the beginning but I had the courage to continue slower. After all it is my own journey, my honest self speaking about the experience, the “whole” of it, the fears, the hopes, the wonders, the nightmares. There are hardcore facts I forgot, there are times I would say no I did not do that but there are also times when I could say wow now I got it why, and wow I was actually standing against them all and wow how the heck did I pull up so much strength.

Questions raised: how much does it take to sell your soul to a system and join in to their dividing policy and starts to hate an other group just because the whole system based on it?

It was a great preparation for the 2020 deception.

This diary is also a map of my personality, how I changed and how my perception opened up and started to understand the bigger picture.

There is a movie which reminded me that hardship. It is "The Wall" (2017) It is full of strategy and cleverness. But if you manage to understand it in a subtle level, it gives you much more about the opponents, about the perspectives and other forces in action.


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Updated: Nov 9, 2022

Personal and Moral development is a fascinating topic around people who search the meaning of life. The question 'How far human can reach?' always brings curious minds together.


The 'seeker' who got tired of the squirrel-wheel, figures the way out of the Matrix. According to Kolberg it is named 'Post-Conventional Stage'. It starts with questioning the norms, and instead of blindly following them, a desire awakens to check behind the veil.


But it is just the beginning. It opens the door to a brand-new world with multiply perspectives. It walks you to the top of a mountain and show you around. As your research deepens, you meet thousands different ideas, theories, motives, drives till you reach the point where your fixed one-central-focused Self is in danger of explosion.

The choice is yours: return back to normal or integrate; blue or red pill.


If you chose integration, you are one step closer to the dangerous line the 'normies' call 'crazy', because you try to consider multiple perspectives without taking any side in it. That will leave you without ground, no reference line, no place to rest. The Self is expanding but has not find the new 'home' yet.


It is the land of Chaos with closed doors. Other people with a fixed-one-point-perspective will attack you, all your unresolved trauma will trick you and you will be kept here till you find the key and the map to go forward.

Does it right to fight back if all perspectives are acceptable including theirs? Does it right to protect and build walls if your aim is integrating everything without any border?

How to be a loving person if you want to hit back hard? How to integrate the whole without the dark side?

Questions which lead you to a painful metamorphosis. It is to awaken a new way of understanding, empathy and patience. It is the point when Eros meets Agape, and the new heart has been born.


This is the establishment for a new home. And when it has been down, a narrow road will be set to invite your Self to start the most sacred journey of all, its descend to the new pure heart, where all creations begin.


#secretsofthegoldenflower #goldenflower #magnumopus #thirdeye #divineunion #philosopherstone


photo source: unknown


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West Ireland is one of the most beautiful lands with full of fairytale landscapes dispersed with ancient relics and mystical gateways. It is the home for the Mystics, Dreamers, Artists, Musicians, Storytellers, Healers, Medicine Women and Wiches of all kinds.

This place is flooded with magic, and whoever steps into its ground, cannot stand apart from the influence of its spectacular energetic vibration.


I remember first time I visited the area. As the vehicle left Galway, and approached the wilderness, my heart was jumping out of its place and the surprising feeling of arriving home overflowed me with its sweetness and love. I felt deep down that I was connected into some kind of magical heritage, a remembrance of something important, something hidden, something ancient, something of high value.

After all, half of my life spent in standing up for human and women rights, this place let me touch that mystical essence, which let me be a whole human in all vulnerability. It was like falling in love in the first time and having the pink glasses on.


But I also remember after I have settled down, how I had to call the Guards, just to get home because people were congregated in front of my house to beat me up or when I was chased out from the public place of the castle garden because of my accent.

I remember when I was shouted at, and obscene words were picked to throw at me regularly in public places, till I reached the point to become afraid of going out.

I remember how much efforts I needed to stand up and go out of my house each time and to embrace for atrocities which came both from the street boys, from scolds and from the oligarchic fat pigs. I found myself excluded, outcast.


As I was closed up in my house and listening how they were hitting my door with their fist- while publishing 'BLM' propaganda in their social media profile - I had time to research what was really going on and I found the story of the 9000 baby-corps revealed in Tuam and the stories of tortured and killed pregnant ladies by the guidance of the church.

I went deeper and investigated the motives. I found that deeply rooted hatred blinded these people so much, that they built up a whole systematic abuse-system by making up toxic whispers around the victims and separated them by blocking them out from all societies. I remember approaching people for help and being thrown back and blocked out from all connections. Some of them did it for purpose, some did it because of the fear of the community.


I lived through the Covid, where this hatred-venom plagued me guilty of spreading a virus and when I finally reached the point to dare to leave my house, people were turning away from me murmuring some kind of curse against me.


But after I heard about Ashley Murphy, who was killed not so far from me, daytime during her routine running exercise.

And there was me, standing completely alone without any kind of single support, separated from everyone but still standing.


Change came at the last summer, and I received a job offer in my skills. It came out of the blue and I thought some kind of shift was taking place till I figured that the job is blended with sexual harassment and all the extras I have built in, was stolen from me.


It is November now and we are approaching the darkest part of the year.

Just in the last two months I was targeted by 7, SEVEN defamations, three of them was combined with sexual harassments. The last attack was plotted on my birthday and cut me off from my only contact person.


This is the land of fairies and magic, full of beauty and charm. It has the most sacred connection points to the Divine, but that ancient heritage is chocking by the hands of hatred, discrimination and uncontrolled sexual drives.


Call me naive or stupid, but I still stand for a change and even if I am alone and if I am blocked out and kicked out and cast out from everyone and everywhere, I will stand and hold the torch in that deepest darkness to show the way back to the ancient gateway of magic, where all beauty lives, and all love is possible.


#racisminireland #thesilencedones #minorityreport #discriminationinirleand





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